If the stars could see you now - Is there a place for vulnerability onstage?

Being me -Photo here by Mark Hill

Hi everyone.

Where has the time gone since my last blog?

To my friends here thank you for your patience and to my new friends welcome to my blog and journey as I find my voice and feet on my new musical journey as a Singer/Songwriter. I am from Newbridge in Co. Kildare.

It's been way too long since I've written here, so much for my plan to write a blog post every month. I have taken my laptop to write on a few occasions but to be honest I really didn't know what to write about. I am finding my feet creatively after a very busy few months and recovering after a difficult summer worrying and taking care of my Mam.

I shared in my last post where my Mam was showing signs of Dementia, thankfully after 3 months in hospital she is doing great and she is back home and more like herself again. She does not have dementia thankfully but honestly it feels like a miracle that she is doing so much better. Thank God for medicine and Doctors and nurses.

Being an emerging artist while balancing work and family demands is challenging. I feel especially these past 6 months that I had very little time to be creative... being creative doesn't just happen when you schedule an hour here and there. For music and poetry to flow you need to be and do nothing for a while. I have written poems in my car , on the sidelines of football fields and train stations. I have recorded my voice by stopping on the side of the road when a melody comes out of nowhere.

Google docs is a great app when I don't have a pen to hand, yes, call me old fashioned but I love writing with a Bic pen. My friend Carol, my dearest ADHD Mama Bear sent me a reel sharing an expert who said that having a pen and paper to hand is essential for us living with ADHD. I always loved paper over computers and writing things when they come to mind otherwise they could fly off with the last of the winter leaves. Ok before my mind goes wandering now with the leaves I have imagined in my mind, I better get back on track.

I was heading towards burnout between work and projects but now as I type here before I bring my mam to a doctors appointment after doing the school drop off, I feel that even when we don't have time we have to find the time....somehow.

So here I am trying my best to keep moving towards my musical goals and building a new career in the music business.

So let's talk music and being a musician on stage when you are feeling more vulnerable.

My summer headline gig in The Cobblestone stands out as when I felt the most vulnerable due to my Mam being very unwell that week with a family meeting held the night before. I was so close to cancelling the gig because I was nervous I wouldn't be able to perform as I would usually, would I forget the words, would I fall apart on stage.

I was crying so much the week and night before when I usually be full of excitement with a little healthy nervous energy. This was different and I had to trust myself to make that call. I had sold tickets and I was not sick, I was worried and stressed, yes, sad seeing my mam so unwell and fearful of her future. Anyone reading this whose love one has a diagnosis of Dementia or suffering with mental health struggles, my heart goes out to you. It is very upsetting to witness and it takes it's toll on you too.

Anyway as they say the show must go on because life will keep coming with different things to worry about and the unexpected may happen right before a gig which could throw you and make you cry. It has happened to me and that is when you need to have a tool box of calming and positive mindset exercises to help you overcome and to get up on stage and use it to channel it into something beautiful.

Here are a few things I did to help me that week.

I cried. It works every time to relieve stress. I talked to my family and friends who encouraged me. I had coaching with my coach Stephen Bunney, if you are looking for a great coach or yoga teacher, I would highly recommend him.

I rehearsed with tired red eyes from crying. Thank you Richard Breen, who accompanied me and was ok rehearsing with a very emotional me that week.

I was proud that I trusted myself and that I felt the fear and did it anyway.

I showed up and I felt although it wasn't my best all round performance, it was heartfelt , I felt I was authentic by sharing my pre-gig worries and it was one of my favourite nights so far.

It was special as I had a wonderful audience with family and friends and followers who care for me as much as I care for them. I just love performing and like any job there are the good days and tougher days. Like the sea, there are ebbs and flow ( and family concerns and really dodgy Wifi and IT problems!!!

Things that help me before a gig now that I know I have ADHD. I write a checklist to make sure I have everything I need. Practice, practice , practice.

I leave in plenty of time. I bring healthy snacks. Big mistake was not eating that evening. So since then I make sure I bring a banana or oat cakes for the way home.

Carol

Bringing a friend like my friend Carol, who often buddies up with me and accompanies me to gigs, helps me feel less stressed. I find doing gigs in the city exciting, I love, love Dublin city. I do find getting to the venues the most stressful part of gigging in Dublin, like not getting lost, going up one way streets and staying safe. Dublin City inspired my last single "Happier". If you have not yet this song you can have a listen here

song

I decided to have my very first Dubin headline gig at The Cobblestone because it is a very welcoming place, steeped in the Irish tradition, with friendly staff and a great sound guy in Shane Hannigan. I have played there over the years in traditional sessions and perfomed in the back room with La Mansarda.

I was so glad I didn't cancel, it was a magical night and a reminder why I continue to keep going and keep reminding myself of my why's.

Richard Breen and me- photo by Irishmj

Quite simply I love music and I love sharing it more.

Life will always throw curveballs and sometimes I feel it is a test to how much you want something. Being an artist there is a constant balancing act between vulnerability and being a professional as you would in other careers.

The beauty of being a musician and Singer/Songwriter is that you can express your stories, overcoming and joy, in a song and on stage. Even the toughest experiences can be transmuted and transformed into healing and growth.

There is a place for honesty with audiences but having support from family and friends as well as having professional supports is important.

I love Mj photography. he captures musicians on stage in the moment so wonderfully. You can see his work on his blog and website here.

For me as a person and artist I just want to be myself as best I can.

I will share a few lyrics from my song "IF THE STARS COULD SEE YOU NOW" which is about letting go of grief and tears so you can be more yourself underneath the stars.

"As your tears fall down your cheeks you cry, from love lost from earth to sky, If the stars could see you now, what would they say?"

From the stars perspective we are doing much better than we think we are.

Creating distance from our problems can give us the space to see all that we are doing despite our difficulties in our personal or professional lives.

We need to say well done to ourselves and be more self compassionate in our trying.

I had a wonderful headline gig at Fallon's bar & Restaurant in Kilcullen.

I decided on this venue as it holds a special place in my heart. As well as holding different family occasions there, it was here where I performed as a Singer/Songwriter for the first time in March 2020. It was the week before the world closed due to Covid 19!

Having this special memory was invaluable to me throughout the following months ahead. I had been offered to play as a special guest here earlier this year but unfortunately the main act/artist insisted on not having a support act. This happened not once but twice..which was very disappointing as I had already started rehearsing and recruited another musician.

This happens in this industry quite often which is very disheartening for an emerging artist. I had a little cry down the backstreet of my hometown of Newbridge and decided instead of relying on other people/artists to share the stage with me, I would create opportunities for myself.

Sometimes disappointments and tears teach us how much we love something and I like to use them as fuel for my heart's fire... to keep going.

I also love supporting and helping other artists like Taylor D who is a very talented and kind person , supported me at The Cobblestone and my daughter Róise pictured below, who was my special guest at Fallons.

Róise who has cried over disappointments in music too won many hearts over, she sang beautifully and was her usual reliable professional self. I love seeing her do what she loves, just like I am seeing my sons Billy and Tomás too.

It was definitely my favourite and best performance so far. I had great musicians in Richard Breen and Niall Hughes and John Washington on sound with the wonderful Mary Walker looking after me in Fallon's. It was the perfect venue with the best of people on the night.

I have so much more to share and I have written it and it has somehow disappeared with the fog not once but twice and I feel this blog post is probably long enough. I will write part 2 later this week.

My next post will be about trusting the process which I will also share about my recent musical collaboration with director Mary Linehan and why collaborations can be wonderful and tell ye all about my upcoming single "It's Time".

Thank you to all who have read this post to the end.

Thank you to all who, like me may skip sections and scroll to the end.

Love you for taking the time for checking out my post and blog.

Mairéad

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